Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
