I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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