she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
