my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my being single is dangerous.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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