I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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