just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Randomize
