I think i peed on brittanys purse
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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