I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
