if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
