We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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