I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
why do cheetos always look like penises
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
