You really coming over, don't trick.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
