Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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