I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Are we still banned from the library?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
