I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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