so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
