I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I faked an abortion last night.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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