My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
