i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
