i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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