is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
