i permit you to call me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
mondays should just be called national damage control day
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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