just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
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It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.