I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.