I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
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Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman