it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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