Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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