atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
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Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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