Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
