so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
