I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
