he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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