You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
