Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
