You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
