Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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