im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
