Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
