did you get engaged???
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
