If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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