she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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