He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
