how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
