My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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