If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
