is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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