Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm always down for nudity.
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