don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
