I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
