I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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