just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
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