Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
