someone get that fucking seahorse.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
