I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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