Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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