Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
