I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
