Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
