What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
