I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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