I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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