I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
