The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
