Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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