I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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