your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
